I just really don’t know what else to say. Your words paint such a clear picture of the state of grief.

Grief does seem to be descending upon us in droves right now. You may have heard that Highland High School lost a senior in a car wreck, then we lost Zach – graduate of HHS and nephew to one of our teachers. I am also personal friends with his mom. The Taylor tragedy and now the Indy family . . . it all makes me want to scream! Instead, I turn to my children and hug them, tell them I love them and ask them, once again, to be careful in their comings and goings. Then, I give them to God. That is the only control I have over their ultimate safety; putting them in God’s hands.

I recently shared with someone I know that my philosophy of life right now is this: “I have a choice – I can live in fear, or I can live – period. I choose to live.” I believe that the God who loves me beyond comprehension, weeps bitterly over all these losses. And yet, I also believe that in His infinite wisdom, lives will be changed, hearts will be turned, and more of His children will return to Him, just like the prodigal son.

Blessings to you and Tara in this time of transition and grief. May God use these experiences to teach and mold us all, closer to His image.

Shelley
(from Maple Grove)

Have you ever taken one of those “stress evaluation” tests – where you accumulate points by noting the stressors/changes that have taken place in your life over the past year? I’ll bet if you took that test now, your score would be through the roof! Not only did you get married, move not once but twice (or was it three times?), change from one job to another and then lose that job (even though it was planned), and change churches, but now in the past six weeks you’ve had Zach killed in a plane crash, the Taylor accident with its resulting and continuing drama, your cousin Glenn cheating death in a tractor accident, and now a terrible murder across your backyard fence.

“Mind-numbing” is probably a good word to describe it all – and accurate, too, because we are made so that when stressors become too overwhelming, our minds become anesthetized (to use your word) until we have time to process the grief. It’s true that our culture leads us to look lightly upon killing, which so often masquerades as entertainment. But I believe part of the reason you feel more “removed” from the murder of your neighbors is that you were still numb from the other losses. It is the body’s natural defense against pain so great. God made us that way because he knew there would be times when there would be more grief than we could comfortably manage. You will work through it all in time, one piece at a time, but it may take a while. So when you say “Has it really sunk in yet? I don’t think so”, you are exactly right. It will sink in gradually as your mind is able to receive it. Just know that you are responding in a very normal and indeed God-given way.

I would also observe that the two main tragedies – Taylor and Covarrubias – are different in that the TU grief stems from a true accident, while your neighbors died as an intentional and partly random act of violence. We can’t really protect ourselves against either kind of grief, and the feelings they produce in us are slightly different. Grief from intentional violence has more resentment and anger in it. So it is a bit different to deal with. You have always been a very sensitive person, and so I believe you feel all these emotions keenly, even if you cannot name them.

I can give you two small examples from my own grief work. When my Grandpa F. died, it was about 9 months before I could bring myself to write his date of death in my genealogy records. And when Grandma F. died, for a good while I was unable to watch any TV shows with a death in them – not even Columbo. I just couldn’t face it. But in time that went away. Everybody has their own way to respond to tragedy and grief. Be assured that you are dealing with all this even when you may feel you are marking time.

Remember too that you are now processing these tragic events outside the protective care of your parents. In other words, you are the head of a household yourself now; it’s a new position in the family for you, and you will see events from a different perspective than before. It’s a hard truth that in reality there is no way you can absolutely keep you and your family physically safe. (Your father always laughed at me for feeling safer when he is home, since he says he’d be no help if a guy with a gun showed up anyway.) I noticed that you described the news reporter on the porch next door as being able to head “back to safety. And happiness.” At this moment, you may feel personally that leaving your neighborhood is a trip back to safety and happiness. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. It will take a while for this uncertainty to subside; but as you noted, you will move on, too, “in good time.” We usually use that expression to mean “in the appropriate amount of time,” but think about that adjective “good.” This can be “good” – as in “valuable” – time, for you will come out stronger for having gone through it.

One more observation, a bit more practical: I think it might be beneficial to use periods of sustained physical activity to help you work off the stress you feel. Walk, play racquetball, basketball, etc. I think it might be a release.

You have given us a moving and sensitive look into your thoughts during these incredibly difficult experiences. I know without a doubt that God is even now working to bring you comfort and peace, and eventually deep joy. Our love and prayers are with you and Tara. We are always here if you need us!

As ever,
Mom

Thanks for opening your heart and sharing it with us. I’ve never been through what you’re going through. But your line about the birds chirping in the morning reminds me that life goes on.

When my mother died in 1991, there was a cloud of gloom over my head for about six weeks. It only lifted when six words popped into my head:

God loves me.
Life goes on.

When I remembered those two truths, the cloud started to part and the sun began shining again.

Life does go on, even though terrible things happen. Things that shouldn’t happen. Things like these that you’re experiencing. Life does go on. And God really does love you – and all of His children.